Telephone
by Ratt9
Summary: Light finds it extremely difficult to hold a normal conversation with his mother over the phone when L insists on distracting him on many different levels. It's only slash if you want to look at it that way. Oneshot.


Some of this was co-written by my wonderful co-author and girlfriend, Stormygio.

Quickly disposing of her apron in a corner, Sachiko Yagami dusted herself off. Dinner tonight had been a successful but quiet affair—one that she had long since become used to by now, what with her brilliant son Light off busy helping his father and the rest of the police with the Kira investigation.

(And he had been, for many, many months.)

Now that months had gone by without hearing a single word from him, Sachiko had finally had enough. A bit ashamed that she had not done so earlier, she had asked Soichiro to provide her a phone number with which to contact Light.

Dialing the number she had been given, she waited for her boy to pick up.

"What is it?" answered an unfamiliar voice, somewhat rudely.

Praying that she hadn't just called a wrong number—that would be terribly embarrassing—Sachiko tentatively said, "Uhm, is Light there?"

She heard some muffled sounds—presumably the phone being passed over—as well as the man, who said, "Ah, this is for Light-kun."

"Hello?"

Yes! There he was! Overjoyed at hearing her son's voice, finally, _finally_, Sachiko enthusiastically greeted, "Light!"

"Mom? Oh, hi."

"How are you, darling? I've missed you so much!"

"Oh, yeah, me too. Hey, stop it!"

"Stop what?"

"Sorry, I was talking to Ryuzaki, not you. He's just…being distracting."

Sachiko raised her eyebrow at that comment, before pushing it out of her mind by saying, "Oh, Light. Tomorrow I'm going to send some of your school textbooks to work with your father so that you can keep up on your studies while you're working on the investigation, if you want."

"Screw you."

Sachiko was taken aback. _What _did he just say to her?

"_Excuse me?_" she huffed, in disbelief. Surely she had just heard him wrong—her boy would _never _talk to his mother like that. Not him. Not her Light.

"No no, sorry. I still wasn't talking to you…_Stop it_."

"Stop what? What am I doing?"

"Again, I'm not talking to you," Light replied, crossly. He seemed rather distracted.

_What in the world—?_

"What's going on over there?" Sachiko asked.

"Nothing, sorry. Ryuzaki's just being a motherfucking bastard."

Oh, the _words _that were coming out of Light's _mouth_! He had absolutely _not _been raised to speak that way.

"Light Yagami, since when do you have such a dirty mouth?" she scolded, definitely not pleased. Her grip on the phone tightened.

She heard something crash. Sachiko wondered if Light had slammed his fist down against the top of a desk.

"Oh, don't get all whiny. You deserved that," Light sneered. By now, Sachiko was beyond offended. Light had always been taught to _respect _his elders; this was completely new behavior for him. Was someone in the police force teaching him to treat her like this?

"_Excuse me?" _Sachiko practically spit into the phone.

"Uh…sorry, I didn't mean that."

_(Damn _right _he better not have meant that…)_

Light continued, trying to change the subject, "Uhh, how is Sayu doing?"

Sachiko attempted to calm down enough to achieve once again a pleasant attitude. She wasn't sitting down anymore—the stress of her son's poor manners had forced her to pace about the room so as not to explode in a burst of fury—but she would release her anger later, once she was off the phone. She really had missed Light, after all.

"Oh, Sayu," Sachiko answered, "she's doing alright. She misses you. Her grades haven't been as good now that you aren't around to help her, though. Oh, she has recently been seeing a boy. Apparently they've started dating."

"What are you gonna do about _that_, asshole?" Light inveighed, his tone mocking.

Sachiko was officially pushed beyond words. She had absolutely nothing to say to such an insult. She was rendered speechless.

Light's voice suddenly softened, unexpectedly. "Don't you think she's a bit young to be dating? Have you ever even met the guy?"

Sachiko put a hand on her hip. As if _he _had any right to be lecturing her on what was appropriate and what was not. "As a matter of fact, I have. He's a gentleman, doesn't curse at his mother, and he—"

"You think I care about _that_?"

Sachiko was aghast.

"Well, you _should!_"

"Wait, I should what?" Light asked, sounding a bit confused.

It was then that Sayu walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, eyes glued to the open pages of her Hideki Ryuuga magazine. Wasn't she supposed to be doing her homework?

Already worked up enough, Sachiko snapped, "Stop drooling over Hideki Ryuuga and go get to work!"

"_What?_" came Light's voice on the other line.

Sachiko was confused; what was he questioning?

"What?" she said.

"I am _not _drooling over Hideki Ryuuga!" Light protested.

Before she could respond to that, she heard the other man—Ryuzaki, apparently—pipe up lowly in the background, "Oh, but Light-kun _does _drool in his sleep."

"No I don't!" her son exclaimed, seemingly talking more to Ryuzaki than to her. But wait—how would Ryuzaki…?

"How does he know that?" Sachiko demanded.

"He doesn't; it's not true!"

That's when the other man, Ryuzaki, said something else that she couldn't quite make out. Though she was pretty sure that she heard the words "there were a few times" and "sleep."

..._Wait _a minute…

"Light?" she said, quickly, hurriedly, "did that man just say that you two are sleeping together?"

"What? _No_! Of course not! I'm not gay!"

"Well…" her voice drifted a bit, "there _was _that one time…"

"_Mom, _I was thirteen. You really need to let that one go."

Sayu was whining, now. "Is that Light?" she asked, hopping from foot to foot. "Can I talk to him?"

Sachiko shook her head. "No, not now."

Light sounded as if he were about to say something, but he was quickly cut off as the sounds of fumbling were made apparent.

It was at that moment that Sayu snatched the phone from her mother and pressed it to her ear. She was just in time to hear a deep, baritone voice ask her, "Is this Yagami-san?"

Sayu tilted her head, simultaneously holding the phone away from her mother. "No," she answered, "who is this?"

"Hideki Ryuuga."

_THUMP._

Sayu felt her heart skip a beat. She thought she might have a heart attack.

_(_Would that mean Hideki Ryuuga is Kira, then, if he had given her a heart attack?_)_

"H-Hideki Ryuuga?" she all but squealed.

"Yes, that is correct."

"Oh, _god_…"

In her excitement, Sayu almost forgot that she was supposed to be talking to her brother, Light. Her mother's raised eyebrow jogged her memory.

"I'm, uh, your biggest fan!" she exclaimed quickly, "but, uhm, where's Light?"

There was a muffled sound in the background, and Ryuuga responded, "Light-kun is unable to come to the phone at the moment. I currently have my feet stuffed into his mouth."

Sayu giggled. Hideki Ryuuga was funny. Unfortunately, before she could think of anything else she wanted to say to him, her brother had stolen the phone and breathed, huskily, "Sayu?"

"Light! Why didn't you _tell _me that you were hanging out with Hideki Ryuuga?" Sayu demanded.

Light made a sound that was awfully similar to that of a groan. "Sayu, he's obviously not the real Hideki Ryuuga. He's lying. Give the phone back to Mom."

Grumbling in disappointment, Sayu handed the phone back roughly to her mother.

"Light?"

"I'm here, Mom. Sorry about that—Ryuzaki is just being Ryuzaki. Hey, uh, anyway, I should probably be getting back to work. Say sorry to Sayu that we couldn't talk longer for me, will you? Bye, Mom."

"I love you," Sachiko told him, before she forgot.

"Tell the truth," he grunted, and hung up.

Not for the first time that disaster evening, Sachiko just stood there, and didn't know what to say.

* * *

><p>They were in bed.<p>

Light didn't know _why_ they were in bed—it was hardly even late, even by his standards—but sure enough, not even an hour earlier, L had dragged them both up to their bedroom for the night.

_(_Not without his laptop in hand, of course._)_

Light didn't bother questioning it. L had been acting coldly toward him ever since he had accidentally shoved the man's cake off the counter on which it had been sitting earlier in the day. He really _hadn't _meant to do it, and he had been honestly apologetic about the entire situation.

But L didn't seem to care about that. He just seemed interested in making Light pay for his _(completely accidental) _actions.

They were sitting in bed—L on his laptop, Light trying to sleep—when the phone rang. The lights in the room were already on, and L reached over to answer it.

"What is it?" he said, a bit annoyed that it was disrupting his work.

"Uhm, is Light there?"

It was a woman's voice, and not unfamiliar—it was likely one of Light's family members.

"Ah, this is for Light-kun," L muttered, handing the phone over to Light. Light took it.

"Hello?"

"Light!"

"Mom? Oh, hi."

"How are you, darling? I've missed you so much!"

"Oh, yeah, me too," Light said. Then he saw that L was sticking his fingers in Light's cup of coffee. "Hey, stop it!" Light cried, disgusted, trying to shoo L away.

"Stop what?" she asked.

"Sorry, I was talking to Ryuzaki, not you," Light informed her.  
>He's just…being distracting."<p>

"Oh, Light. Tomorrow I'm going to send some of your school textbooks to work with your father so that you can keep up on your studies while you're working on the investigation, if you want."

But Light wasn't really listening. He watched as L, staring at him intently, picked up _his _fucking cup of coffee and took a long sip of it.

"Screw you," Light gritted, teeth clenched. He gave L a shove.

"_Excuse me?_"

Light could hear his mother's voice, and it did not sound happy. No, it didn't sound happy at all. He would probably need to apologize.

"No no, sorry. I still wasn't talking to you…" Light let himself trail off as L began sliding his cold, bony fingers along his chest. "_Stop it_."

"Stop what? What am I doing?"

Ugh, sometimes his mother just didn't get it.

"Again, I'm not talking to you," he grumbled, impatiently.

"What's going on over there?"

L gave Light a rather mischievous smirk and began to tug at Light's (_perfect_) hair.

_That ASSHOLE._

"Nothing, sorry. Ryuzaki's just being a motherfucking bastard," Light all but growled, trying to control his breathing.

His mother still did not sound at all pleased. "Light Yagami, since when do you have such a dirty mouth?"

At the same time, L was bouncing a bit on the bed just enough to be an irritation. Light sighed, inwardly groaning. He did _not_ need this right now.

With murder in his eyes, Light flung his arms out at L, hitting the older man so hard that he was shoved off the bed, laptop and all.

"Light-kun is not playing fair," L muttered, lowly. He had an intense look in his eyes that suggested he was going to try something to get back at Light.

"Oh, don't get all whiny. You deserved that," Light shot back, with just as much intensity.

"_Excuse me?"_

Wonderful. Now he had his mother to deal with, too.

"Uh, sorry, I didn't mean that," he tried to say. Time for a subject change, he decided. "Uhh, anyway, how's Sayu doing?"

Goddamn Ryuzaki—now he was twirling a lollipop in front of Light's face.

"Oh, Sayu. She's doing alright. She misses you. Her grades haven't been as good now that you aren't around to help her, though. Oh, she has recently been seeing a boy. Apparently they've started dating."

Having had enough, Light snatched the lollipop from L's hands and smacked him hard over the head with a pillow. L, with hair messier than usual, was knocked backward into the headboard.

"What are you gonna do about _that_, asshole?" Light asked, his tone taunting. Not waiting for the man to give a response, Light turned his attention back to his mother. "Don't you think she's a bit young to be dating? Have you ever even met the guy?"

Oh man, did his mother sound _pissed _or _what_? Maybe he should start paying a little more attention to her.

"As a matter of fact, I have. He's a gentleman, doesn't curse at his mother, and he—"

L took Light's cup of coffee and dumped it all out on the carpet. Blank-faced, he watched for Light's next move.

It never came. "You think I care about _that_?" Light laughed. It wasn't a cheerful laugh, but it was good enough just to disguise his anger a little bit.

"Well, you _should!_" his mother cried, apparently pissed off for no good reason.

_Wait, what…?_

"Wait, I should what?" Light asked.

"Stop drooling over Hideki Ryuuga and go get to work!"

_Whoa_, there. What in the world was _she _yapping about? Hideki Ryuuga? His mother officially didn't know what she was talking about.

"_What?"_

"What?"

As if she didn't know what he was talking about.

"I am _not _drooling over Hideki Ryuuga!" he cried. This made L look up.

"Oh, but Light-kun _does _drool in his sleep," Ryuzaki said, just loud enough for his words to be picked up by the phone.

"No I don't!" Light protested.

"How does he know that?" Sachiko demanded.

"He doesn't; it's not true!"

"Actually," L said, "there have been a few times when I have been watching you sleep, and you have been drooling. I estimate 79 percent."

"Light?" Oh man, his mother sounded freaked out. "Did that man just say that you two are sleeping together?"

Sleeping? With _Ryuzaki? _No. Fucking. Way.

"What? _No_! Of course not! I'm not gay!"

"Well…" her voice drifted a bit, "there _was _that one time…"

Light felt the urge to throw the phone at the wall. He did _not _need his mother bringing that up. "_Mom, _I was thirteen. You really need to let that one go," he urged.

"No, not now."

Before Light could even say anything in disbelief and horror, L had stuffed his _goddamn-motherfucking-disgustingly-dirty _feet_ into his goddamn fucking _mouth and grabbed the phone away from him.

"Is this Yagami-san?" he asked, simply, as if he didn't have his dirty toes up her son's trap.

Light tried to struggle free, but every time he did, his teeth ached. Fucking _L_.

There was silence, and then, "Hideki Ryuuga."

Yet even more silence, as well as, "Yes, that is correct."

…_Is he talking to my _sister_?_

"Light-kun is unable to come to the phone at the moment. I currently have my feet stuffed into his mouth."

Oh, that was _it. _The last straw. Ignoring the pain, Light tore his mouth free of L's foot and grabbed the phone from L's hand. Trying to ignore the god-awful taste of _foot_, Light said, "Sayu?"

"Light! Why didn't you _tell _me that you were hanging out with Hideki Ryuuga?" Sayu demanded.

_Did she honestly believe…?_

Light face palmed. "Sayu, he's obviously not the real Hideki Ryuuga. He's lying." Light just _really _wanted this conversation to be over. "Give the phone back to Mom."

"Light?"

"I'm here, Mom. Sorry about that—Ryuzaki is just being Ryuzaki. Hey, uh, anyway, I should probably be getting back to work. Say sorry to Sayu that we couldn't talk longer for me, will you? Bye, Mom."

Light pulled the phone away from his ear, ready to hang up, when Ryuzaki whispered, "I enjoy playing with Light-kun's sister."

Not bothering to listen to his mother's last words, Light snorted, "Tell the truth," and closed the phone.

What a long day.

* * *

><p><span>Over the phone, while we were mapping out the conversation between Light and Sachiko, Stormygio and I could barely understand each other, we were laughing so hard (Cough gigglinglikeschoolgirlsmuch? Cough). I can only hope that the way I wrote it turned out to be as funny as the script-format rough draft version. You guys be the judge. Review? It will be a magical experience, I'm sure; possibly one of the best ones of your life. I recommend it.<span>

The initial prompt was: "Change a 'thank you' into a 'screw you' and see what happens."

Thank you for reading!

~Ratt Kazamata, 3/19/2012


End file.
